apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize