life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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