I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
3pm strippers are depressing
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
