meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
