Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
