Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
