____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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