he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize