Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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