I smell stomach acid.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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