So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Randomize
