wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
