I can text with my tongue
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Randomize
