I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you had me at cake vodka
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
