I just pynch a tree in the face
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
