She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
