So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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