so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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