and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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