i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
