I smell stomach acid.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
