You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
