I cannot find my penis.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
