i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
