Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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