Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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