I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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