I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
