dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
