She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
