I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
