oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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