Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
