Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
