WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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