I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
