I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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