the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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