1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
