i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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