You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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