he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
