Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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