I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
