Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
