I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
