Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
