well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize