she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
