Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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