why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
