I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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