Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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