How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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